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It's been a week of constant arguing and bickering. I need a day of peace.

I watched sob#2 turn off my light last night. Apparently though I was sound asleep when he did. I watched him as clear as day to it. I even asked him about it. He said my eyes were closed. Talk about creepy.

I've decided to make my journal like a confessional type thing. I don't believe that in writing down my confessions that o will b magically uplifted to heaven when I die. I just want to write down my nasty thoughts. Wanna judge me? Go right ahead. My journal is the secret removal of the mask I wear. It will be filled with emotions and possibly irrational thoughts. You want to know me? This is the key in doing so while obtaining the anonymity I need to function on a daily basis.

Ugh I don't feel good. The downtime is really hard on me right now. I'm going stir crazy in the house but it is just making me feel worse.

So I'm playing around on fb today when I get message from Mr JB. I couldn't block him fast enough. *Shudder* I haven't thought about him in years and will happily go in never thinking about him again. I think I hate him more than Mr br. I was dating him in college and ended up moving in with him after a date. My mom had thrown me out on the streets to live. He offered his place I took it. It was the most shameful times in my life to tell the truth. I should have just continued to live in my car. My mom went psycho and literally would try to kill me very time she saw me. Mr n and I were talking and one afternoon he kissed me (which I desperately wanted to finish) he convinced me to move in with him. I never wanted to do anything more in my life. But mr JB was not a good person and things didn't go through. In my shame he began to hurt me. I would wake up in the morning after him drugging my beers to him fucking me without me being awake. Everything went to hell I didn't even fight the rapes. I just let him use me. It was the first time I had ever sink so low I tried to commit suicide. All I can say is I really hope he stays the fuck away from me. *Shudder*

I can’t help it. I am a hopeless romantic. Even with the darkness of my soul and mind I still find myself falling over and again for the same trap. Everything I watch or write has some form of love in it. Of course this makes it my secret. In a world who no longer follows the rules nor cares about the likes of me, I have to have some sort of secret. I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of love. Why can’t I truly experience it? Is this my hell? I grew up with a sound concept of love in my eyes, but yet have found any truth of it. I ran off with my first husband because he promised to keep me safe. At that time, my world was filled with the shadows wanting to hurt me in every way. My discontempt for him grew into full blown hatred. He began to treat me just like the world at that point did. I struggled, I fought, and eventually I escaped. Husband #2 promised me to be my friend for the rest of time. Now, we sit in silence because he doesn’t understand the first thing about me. After all these years he never took the time to really get to know me. His downfall and eventually my hatred for him is growing as well. To me being comforted within my shadows and demons is something I am striving for. The only ray of light in my life is her. She is literally the only person I truly love. I have fought the pits of hell for her and will remain to do so. It breaks my heart when I have to explain to her that sob #2 is not mad at her just a naturally bitter person. He currently has everything, but yet still isn’t happy. That will end up costing him eventually. To me, his ignorance still baffles me. Yet, he is willing to take me to that point where I want to blur those morality lines. I can’t be that hard to love. Why pick constant battles with me, when there is no way I am going to let you walk away and win? I give you that illusion of controlling me. It’s just easier that way acting dumb and meek. You are living on borrowed time with me. One of these days, it will just be too late. Too little, too late. Eventually I will leave you as well. There is no future with me, treating me like you do. I won’t stand for it. I won’t raise her to see just how destructive my love is. I won’t let her fall into the same traps I do. Every promise ever made to me, is just lies wrapped up in my loneliness. Yet, I still seek it out. Maybe, SOB#2 is right, I am starting to enjoy the pain of a broken heart. My mom tried to tell me growing up that there is no such thing of love without pain. To me, there has always been a fine line between the two. I have lived through so much, so much physical pain and it truly says something about me if I keep signing up for more. Maybe I need it to feel alive? I don’t know anymore. I actually sought out a friend of mine Ms J to vent out my current fight. I rarely do that anymore, I rarely really talk about what's going on with me. But this time, I actually felt the need to talk to someone. SOB #2 royally fucked up saying something beyond insensitive. all I wanted was to grab him by his throat and start squeezing until he understood what he did wrong. So I told, Ms J about it. Even she was shocked of how selfish the remark was. I keep trying to not give into my anger, I keep trying to take the high road but when it comes to things like this, I am having to seek out refuge outside myself. That itself scares me. Here I am being vulnerable and trying to let others see me without my mask. All I can see is it blowing up in my face. another struggle I am not simply ready for. I messaged Mr. N a few days ago hoping to find a strengthened friendship, but yea that didn’t really happen. I don’t blame him, although it would have been a nice change of pace. I don’t think he really knows me either I’ve done pretty well hiding behind a mask for my entire life. I keep hoping that something will change and my quest for love and friendship will no longer be such a cruel joke. My birthday is coming up, what if I don't find the answers to my questions ever? This thought keeps running through my mind. It this what a midlife crisis is?I am doing my best to make healthier choices in my life. But i miss my old vices, bourbon and menthol cigs. I am trying to be around for many many more years to come. Not because I am scared of death, but because I can’t leave the moron with the simplest of tasks. I have to take care of everything myself. May as well make my hell comfortable as I search for love and my answers.

I'm so hungry tonight. So so hungry

I'm exhausted. Even though all I have done is sleep. It hasn't been restful sleep to say the least. I'm stressing about making the bills and the down time. I am trying not to be whiney but all I want to do is sleep. I tried to get a few things done today but was painfully reminded that I must use this time to rest and not overdo it.



I deleted all my inboxes and messages tonight. I deleted everything from ex, everything from Mr n and I finally deleted myast goodbye from Mrs b and Mrs s. I can't keep a hold on my past anymore. I reread everything and cried a little bit. But I did it finally. I just closed my eyes and got it done. So I don't have anything else left of my past but my memories and nightmares.



I think I am just going to surrender myself to some sleep and start over in the morning. I am far too tired to keep writing.

I've decided it's time to clean out my inboxes and messengers. Time to move forward. No sense in wasting my time anymore.

To get what I want I have to sacrifice choice. Huh? Well all you are doing is permanently removing yourself from my life. To me being with me means not just romance but friendship as well. I've already married two men who don't fall under the category of friends. Why do need you as well? No see all you are doing is pissing me off. You are just showing me that you are no different than anyone else. There is no future with any man who can not be my friend and is there for me through it all. So congrats on that. After so many years of chasing after you i think I will be finally able to forget you. I'm already in a dead end relationship. I already don't have any friends or real family so in a way I guess I don't need you either. There is a big difference from wanting and needing someone. Thanks for making my choice easier. I'm done stalking your page. I will block you from walking in my dreams from here on out. You just like any other man who held my heart just doesn't exist for me anymore. I'm over it. I'm over you. I'm over love.

He rejected me. It's like fucking highschool all over again. It hurt to see his stupid little fb post on why he should give me a second chance. It also pissed me off. Once again I was chasing after someone who apparently isn't worth my time. Back in highschool he kept pulling the same shit with me. You would think by now I would have told him to fuck off. But I waited patiently and every time I have been single I have tried to get with him. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve a place in my heart. Not now not ever again. So that's it. I have officially 100% fave up on love. Fuck love all it does it break my heart over and over again. I'll never win. I'm not showing my heart to anyone but her. Fuck everyone else!

Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Can't sleep. Bleh

Fake name really? Now it all makes sense I was only a game to you. Now I can finally walk away knowing you are nothing but a bag of trash. Thanks. Fucker.

I'm so hungry. I ate an entire tin of the strongest cinnamon mints I could find in ten minutes. I'm going to have to break down and eat something raw soon.



Sob#2 is doing everything to piss me off. I just want to smash his skull in. He will get his. That is all I can say. My misery must bring him joy. It's hard to believe that another person is that irritating just to be irritating.



My first surgery out of two is rapidly coming up. I just want it all over with.

I finally broke down and came to the realization that no man nor has ever come close in getting me to that special place for release. Although I feel like a cave woman I'm relying on myself again. It's sad and frustrating to say the least. Monsters like me make do with what I was dealt. I guess now I understand the concept of bucket list

Omg sob#2 is really really grating on my nerves. He is ruining my days off. I am in shock of the useless dribble that is spewing out of his mouth. He is utterly useless. Maybe that's why I am lusting after another. Everything that he says reminds me of the grave mistake I have made. Ughi just feel repulsed.

I want him. Damn it. I have never lusted after anyone before. But I just don't want him or his body. I mean I want all of him. Ugh it's frustrating. Why can't I have him? Why is our paths not able to merge? Why am I stuck with sob#2 when my heart belongs to another? Yet he doesn't care. Sigh.

I need someone to talk to.....

Lies lies and more lies. Hope you don't catch on fire for all your Lies. Nah just kidding I absolutely want you to catch on fire. Stupid fucker thinking I would never figure shit out. You deserve whats coming to you.

Now they are wanting to take my nightmares away with medication. All of a sudden I will be like drop dead Fred. I am not sure how i feel about it. My nightmares keep me feeling alive. Sigh it'd a double edged sword.